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Monday, May 30th, 2016
12:29 am - 2011
Drunk parkour on the pedestrian bridge over I-5 while zola jesus echoes through my head. Living with housemates I can tolerate and more in love than I've ever been in my life and the only thing dragging me down, the horrible soul-numbing temp job I go to 4-5 days a week. But this job, and its attendant financial instability cast a pall on everything else. If I had been in a great job that I was happy with, it's hard for me to imagine being able to contain the ecstasy I assume I would've regularly felt.

There was something particular about living right next to the highway. The street dead-ended and it felt like a little pocket at the end of somewhere. I remember a few especially foggy nights. I would go to the stone church across the street and do parkour along the stairs and consider trying to climb atop the building, but always decide against it out of respect for the worshipers. I never went very far on such nights. I did once climb atop the nearby beer joint for fun, and there were a couple of nights when I perched myself up in a tree and reveled in being able to observe the weekend goings-on w/o anyone being aware of my presence. I also climbed on top of mississippi studios and just listened to the chatter of people below for a bit. I feel like such a moment reflects how I've felt so many times in my life. Present but apart. Observing from a distance. It's wonderful and a little bit sad.

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Sunday, February 6th, 2011
6:21 pm
i remember how the sky darkened, and it grew very windy, so we ran outside and danced around and laughed, as the storm clouds rolled in, knowing it would rain, but not caring.

i remember going around the curve a bit too fast, and the brakes failing, and how we both let out a gasp as the car went off the road and into a fence. and then afterwards, we held each other and cried.

i remember being drunk and driving all around town looking for you, asking people if they knew where you were, then stopping my car in the unfinished subdivision for some reason, finding a bottle, breaking it, and cutting up my arm with it.

i feel like i've always been searching, but i'm not sure for what. i've never been satisfied, but i think this is a good thing. it keeps me going. i also think that drugs have helped me to become more agreeable with life, more accepting in general. i don't know if i yet know what i'm doing or where i'm going, or if this is it, or if it matters.

i'm an intense individual, and sometimes that's good, and sometimes it's bad. i want to be a better person, but i rarely make any attempts at doing so. i just sort of hope that people will forgive me for not being a better friend, son, brother, lover.

sometimes i want to be an outlaw. i want to be doing something not allowed, and with a partner. like bonnie & clyde. i feel like most people can identify with that, hence why we're fascinated with theirs, and other, similar stories.

i don't know why i wrote any of this.

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Wednesday, December 8th, 2010
11:01 pm
i sometimes miss the smell of my dad from when i was young. a smell of cologne and beer and money. money that he handed me for the arcade games that i was allowed to play once i finished my homework, while he bowled with his bowling team.

there's a lot to say about that, and i don't have a lot of time right now.

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Sunday, February 7th, 2010
8:25 pm - holy crap
i just made an incredibly delicious lamb & collard greens dish. i may just have to revive my food blog specifically to post this.

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Saturday, November 28th, 2009
12:12 pm
wake up
make coffee
borrow neighbor's internet to check email from fake persons
go to record store
buy some records
go home and listen to records
make more coffee
play video games
consider going out but after a while decide against it
start drinking
make dinner
continue playing video games until you get tired of it
decide to watch a movie
choose blood simple
get half-way through and decide to go for a walk
get back and go into car to listen to 'the beat dies' 4x
go back inside and decide not to finish the movie
go to sleep

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Tuesday, November 24th, 2009
1:55 pm
hi the people of the internet, my computer is fucked right now, so the only internet access i have right now is at work and the occasional hijacking of nearby computers. thus, if you'd like to talk to me about anything, phone works best.

also, magnetic fields on tour. playing at the aladdin in feb. tix on sale now.
j. richman is playing at the aladdin next week also.
holiday ale fest is also fast-approaching.

uh, i don't actually care about typing any of this. these things were just on my mind. i'm going to try and remember the 234958340958 other things i wanted to check, look up, etc. on the internet now, while i have the chance.

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Saturday, November 7th, 2009
5:03 pm - oh george
"those who talk most about the blessings of marriage and the constancy of its vows are the very people who declare that if the chain were broken and the prisoners left free to choose, the whole social fabric would fly asunder. you cannot have the argument both ways. if the prisoner is happy, why lock him in? if he is not, why pretend that he is?" -george bernard shaw

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Sunday, November 1st, 2009
12:13 pm - for anyone i didn't physically hang out with
this is what i was for halloween:

Photobucket

and NO IT'S NOT FUCKING CHARLIE CHAPLIN JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

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Wednesday, October 28th, 2009
10:56 pm
Photobucket

Photobucket

and in case you couldn't see the pumpkin brainz in the last one:

Photobucket

also, if you didn't notice, the guy being eaten is starting to cry.

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Sunday, October 25th, 2009
6:20 pm
last night was full of a lot of strange shit and this post is just to document some stuff so i don't forget it (this is mostly in reference to a party i went to).

i think i may have uncharacteristically revealed my internet identity to some people.

i re-met a girl who i'm very attracted to but who is almost certainly not interested in me. very weird that she was there considering the circumstances under which we first met.

saw nate there. that was weird. he was acting ridiculous (in a good way) and dressed in, i think, a leotard?

enjoyed meeting and talking to a random Person From The Internet who i might not have suspected to get along with as swimmingly.

lost my cane and mustache i guess, unless they turn up. easily re-procurable, but the mustache had sentimental value. we'd been through a lot together.

was totally prepared to speak victorian english, but when it was my moment to shine, i was so drunk that i couldn't think of words like 'preposterous' and 'balderdash'.

went to bed sometime between 6;30 and 7am.

that may be the bulk of what i remember.

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Friday, October 23rd, 2009
8:46 am - <3 maurice sendak
Reporter: "What do you say to parents who think the Wild Things film may be too scary?"

Sendak: "I would tell them to go to hell. That's a question I will not tolerate."

Reporter: "Because kids can handle it?"

Sendak: "If they can't handle it, go home. Or wet your pants. Do whatever you like. But it's not a question that can be answered."

Sendak: "This concentration on kids being scared, as though we as adults can't be scared. Of course we're scared. I'm scared of watching a TV show about vampires. I can't fall asleep. It never stops. We're grown-ups; we know better, but we're afraid."

Reporter: "Why is that important in art?"

Sendak: "Because it's truth. You don't want to do something that's all terrifying. I saw the most horrendous movies that were unfit for child's eyes. So what? I managed to survive."

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Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
7:55 pm
"Why should the Arabs make peace? If I was an Arab leader I would never make terms with Israel. That is natural: we have taken their country ... There has been anti-Semitism, the Nazis, Hitler, Auschwitz, but was that their fault? They only see one thing: we have come here and stolen their country. Why should they accept that? They may perhaps forget in one or two generations' time, but for the moment there is no chance. So it is simple: we have to stay strong and maintain a powerful army" -David Ben-Gurion

as not great of a person as ben-gurion was, at least he was upfront in admitting that they were basically stealing the palestinians land. try and get a single israeli politician to acknowledge this nowadays.

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Sunday, October 4th, 2009
9:40 pm - ALSO
did you ever really listen to this song? i mean, we all know it. we've all heard it many times. but fucking shit man, it's so stupidly good!

just stop fucking around on the internet for a second and devote the next 3 minutes of your life to listening to this song and realize how good it is, and why it's so revered:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/prwily

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Sunday, September 27th, 2009
10:57 pm
i really want you to know how i really feel.

i don't know how to do that.

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Monday, September 14th, 2009
9:44 pm
have you read milan kundera's 'slowness?' it might be about time for me to read it again.

one of my brandywine tomatoes was so gigantic that i was able to use it, and it alone, for a pomodoro sauce i made last week, and there were leftovers.

i saw purple rain again for the first time since i was like 6 or 7. so-so movie overall, but now i can't get his music out of my goddamn head.

i started reading michael pollan's book 'in defense of food' recently and i think it's his best book so far, and i'm going to have to recommend it to everyone i know, and hope that they're not annoyed with me, since it's quite likely that i did the same thing after reading 'the omnivore's dilemma.'

i can make turns on my bike with no hands!

you may already know this, but i can walk on my hands (briefly)!

i can't breakdance =(

i can regular dance!

this post is in lieu of what i really want, but don't know how to say.

take these songs for your troubles:

are you completely fucking sick of the knife's heartbeats yet?? i totally was! this live version might help:
http://www.sendspace.com/file/hbw9vi

jean grae's best song
http://www.sendspace.com/file/rzz4rj

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Wednesday, August 26th, 2009
10:55 pm
i don't really know what to say. i don't know why i'm so despondent at the moment. i don't know what i want.

i feel like i should give some perspective though. let's go back to the early 2000s. i was living in NY, and i can't say i know what i wanted then, but i can say that i was fairly content. i was:

becoming friends with the people i worked with, (reading about and) ordering lots of drugs off of the internet, driving home late at night in my own solitary, music-fueled world, thinking i was incredibly unique and awesome and not suited for most people, keeping a distance even as i made compromises in my bubble-world.

so i guess that's to say that i've "been there". i've spent the time (if that means anything to you). back then, i felt pretty self-sufficient. what's different now?

i'm a pretty happy person. i like where i am. i like who i am. i feel like things are mostly right. so an irony, i guess, that i'm less content. i crave new experiences, new people, more extreme feelings. SOMETHING. moving out here gave me a grounding. but it's like a moving platform, and i know there's no real ground beneath it, and i have to jump off at some point if i want to go anywhere.

all i know is- i'm reaching. i'm letting desperation show. I DONT WANT STUPID HUMAN PHYSICAL STUPID WHATEVER. yes, i want touching and holding and even sex, but LOOK. i want to feel the communion. it's not OHMYGODWERESOULMATES. it's- hey, we are in the same place. let's share this while we can. it feels so good, and it's rare.

everyone is afraid. i know that. and i don't have any answers. this is why i am where i am. this is why writing these things will do nothing!

there is a 99.9% chance i will delete this in the morning. congrats if you got to see it!

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Sunday, August 16th, 2009
12:52 pm
so i was volunteering for a thing today that i had to wake up at 8:30 for, and i was invited to a party/show last night, so the plan was to leave earlyish. and i did that thing (that i knew was totally possible) where i intended to keep checking the clock throughout the night, but 100% forgot. so at about 1-something, when i finally did, i remembered and decided to go. i don't remember what happened between then and me checking the clock at my apt. at 3:30am, but there's a lot of lost time i can't account for. and when i got up this morning, after a night of heavy drinking and only having slept for 4 hours, i was mildly grogging and THAT'S IT. i felt totally fine. this is why you should eat like i do. also because i'm a nazi and the way you eat is WRONG.

and then the morning before, i woke up with no pants, but a shirt on. it was a pretty fun weekend.

and man, i just got back from riding the streets like they were your mom. only without the propeller hat.

anyway, i don't even remember what the real reason for this post was, but i'm sorry to have left you with more boring details about my real life. i'll try to be a better livergurnaler in the future.


I JUST EDITED THIS FUCKING THING

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Friday, June 19th, 2009
11:50 pm - this new system
is largely about displaying all of the things inside of you that you don't want to display yourself (for various reasons).
is about trying to get people to see parts of you that you (for various reasons) are yourself unwilling or unable to show them.
is an outlet that we never really had before.
is a crutch that we're thankful for.

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Sunday, May 17th, 2009
10:12 pm - next-day party pictures
so some of you know that we had a party a little bit ago. it was a success, as these pictures show.

note: this was after i'd already recycled all of the bottles-


Photobucket

someone brought squirt??

and this was all the crap that was sitting outside our door:


Photobucket

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Monday, May 11th, 2009
10:04 pm - challenge me
this game, so timidly played, is beginning to grate.
be honest about your intentions!
go forth with all of your might!
we wait, and we shuffle our feet and twiddle our thumbs
and then the moment is past! it's too late.
no one expects you to be completely sure.
but if the mood strikes, pounce!
don't let it pass you by.
we live our lives in missed opportunities.
in delays and waiting for the "right" time.
but the right time is usually now
and will expire almost immediately.
and your only reward will be regret.

this is to myself as much as anyone else.

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