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Sunday, June 21st, 2009
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10:17 pm - my keys & hoodie, and how they've been trying to escape for the last month or so
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so i've lost my keys 3 fucking times in the last month or so, none of which was a result of my own stupidity. the first time, i was at holocene (for non-pdxers, a bar/club) one night and i set my hoodie (with car, house, and bike lock keys & bike light) down to go dance. when i went back after a few songs, my hoodie was gone. it seems someone mistook my hoodie for theirs and walked off with it. so i spent a while so scoping out people with hoodies and checking hoodies that were lying around. i finally found it. someone had placed it behind a curtain not far from where it had originally been. which was a little annoying. even if they did forget where exactly they'd picked it up, at least put it somewhere visible. anyway, the keys and bike light were gone, so i then spent the next hour or so looking all along the floor for keys and a bike light, checking outside, asking the bartenders, etc. to no avail. fortunately, i had back-ups of all of the keys, so i just walked home, used the spare key to get in, got the spare car key, drove down to the place, and unlocked my bike with my spare bike lock key. all was fine, i was just out a bike light.
so then on the naked bike ride when i wrecked, my keys & hoodie apparently convinced many of my other belongings to make a run for it. fortunately, most of them were unsuccessful. but the hoodie got away.
and finally today, it looks like my keys may have finally gotten their wish after i did something that they probably considered unforgivable. the story is terrible/gross/probably amusing. i woke up today surprisingly not hung over. i was hungry, but i was headed to a bike event (sunday parkways), and i knew there would be food there, so i decided to eat when i got there. it was pretty far from me. i guess only about 5 miles, but basically all uphill. and on an empty stomach, after having drank a lot the night before, i guess my body was pretty unhappy about it, because i felt incredibly ravenous and weak, and was even shaking a little after i finally got there. so me and rachel and shelley decided to get some food stat. we found a hot dog vendor nearby and got a hot dog. which was a bad idea. i got halfway through it before i couldn't eat anymore. it made my stomach feel really terrible and i felt like there was a possibility of getting sick. so we decided to go to new seasons, a grocery store nearby, and get something like fruit that would go down better. we were sitting outside before going in, and suddenly, i knew i had to puke. i got up and walked briskly (though it was hard, every vibration from my footfalls made me feel that much closer to puking) toward the bathrooms.
i didn't make it. i fucking vomited in the grocery store in front of a bunch of people. even better, the shit was coming out of my nose and everything. and since instinctly put my hand to my mouth when it happened, and my keys were in my hand, i got vomit all over my keys (as well as some on my pants and shoes). i wonder what people must've thought. seeing me crouched over a puddle of sick in one of the nicest, cleanest, grocery stores in the city. anyway, an employee gave me a rag to clean myself off with so that when i went to the bathroom to clean up, i didn't have vomit dripping off of my nose. and i either accidentally wadded it up in the rag, or left it in the bathroom when i was cleaning my face off. i went back to check in the bathroom a few minutes after it happened and they weren't there. i asked employees, the girl that threw the rag away, and this one guy who had helped me initially practically bent over backwards trying to help me find them. the fuckers were nowhere to be found, and in the span of like, seriously, 3 goddamn minutes. so i left my name and number, but i have a feeling they're gone for good. which, after the last incident, i made back-ups of my car and house keys, so that's fine, but the shitty part is that my bike is locked up in north portland, with a kryptonite u-lock no less. so i have no idea what to do about that. maybe find someone with a blow torch?
and that one was sorta my fault, but i feel like after a somewhat traumatic event like vomiting in the middle of a bunch of people in a grocery store, it's at the very least understandable that i could be discombobulated enough to forget my keys. i'm just completely baffled at where they could be, and thinking how maybe i should've further questioned the girl that threw the rag away. so many people have these huge monstrous key chains with all manner of keys and assorted other crap on them. i have 2 keys and a small bike lock key. i feel like that's light enough that it could've not been noticed.
but no really, what the fuck? i can only even remember ever losing an entire set of keys one other time in my life, and suddenly it's practically a weekly occurrence! i don't get it and it's goddamn frustrating.
but sorry, i'm not a person that uses this thing to complain about life-things, and i have been lately. i promise to get back to posting poemy things or songs every other month stat.
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| Friday, June 19th, 2009
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11:50 pm - this new system
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is largely about displaying all of the things inside of you that you don't want to display yourself (for various reasons).
is about trying to get people to see parts of you that you (for various reasons) are yourself unwilling or unable to show them.
is an outlet that we never really had before.
is a crutch that we're thankful for.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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8:02 pm - UPDATE
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postscript to the stolen/returned backpack: in all the hoopla with getting it back, i didn't notice some of the things that were actually missing. at first i thought it was just $20. NO! here is a list of what else was taken and not returned:
a top hat
a bike multi-tool
a tire patch kit
a tire lever
2 pens
a condom
a screwdriver
my hoodie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
get ready guys, because i'm about to get pretty gay.
okay so, all the other stuff, whatever, i'm so sad about my hoodie! let me tell you about this hoodie. one day when i wasn't poor, but thought i was because my point of reference at the time was skewed, i was out buying new clothes. it was all the way back when i first decided that i was okay with wearing colors other than black, navy blue, and dark grey. i was at kohl's, yes kohl's, and i bought a purple shirt (omg!) and some other stuff that i don't remember and then just happened to see this dark blue hoodie. i already had a dark blue hoodie and didn't need another one but holyfuckingshit this one was so soft and the fabric was sort of stretchy if that makes sense, in contrast to my then-current hoodie, which was a bit stiff. it was maybe $30, and this seemed crazy to me at the time, since i didn't need it, and since $30 seemed like too much, but i bought the fucking thing. and it was such a wonderful thing and it was from then on my Primary Hoodie, and it served me well. better than well--beautifully. marcia, you can vouch for this.
anyway, that all ended the other night. i only even just realized it was gone today, when it was rainy and i could've used it. i had to dig through boxes to find my old, faded, inferior secondary hoodie. it's a very sad day to me because that was such a wonderful hoodie, i can't imagine finding another one that i like so much. i know this is a total first-world problem and gaytarded, but i spent all my teenage years and early 20s scorning shit like this, so i feel i'm allowed to be upset about something material and unimportant in the scheme of things. it shows i've learned to understand what enjoying material things is like, which is an important perspective to have in this day and age. even if you hate the machine and want to destroy it, the only way you'll ever be able to realistically do so is by first understanding it. which accounts for the many blurry-line-between-good-and-evil motifs in literature and cinema in the last 50 or so years.
that said, i don't want to destroy anything. i think that's a faulty way of looking at things, destruction. i think if you see that as the only option/solution, then you've already turned into something that you would hate if you could see yourself objectively. but whatever, some people will always be "fighting" something.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 14th, 2009
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5:07 pm
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so i guess someone stole my backpack. it had my wallet with ID, credit & debit cards, & $20 in it, my bike lock, my house and car keys, my cell phone, and my one pair of good jeans in it. i was already pretty poor, now the cost of replacing all of these things is going to be ridiculous. also, i have no idea how i'm going to get into my car and use it to be able to be at work this week.
oh, so yeah, for you people this basically means that if you want to contact me, it has to be by email. i'm pretty down right now, so any and all words of support are welcome.
EDIT: i recovered all my stuff (except the $20). thank you to all of you that tried to help or offered your sympathy.
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| Sunday, May 17th, 2009
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10:12 pm - next-day party pictures
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so some of you know that we had a party a little bit ago. it was a success, as these pictures show.
note: this was after i'd already recycled all of the bottles-
someone brought squirt??
and this was all the crap that was sitting outside our door:
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| Monday, May 11th, 2009
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10:04 pm - challenge me
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this game, so timidly played, is beginning to grate.
be honest about your intentions!
go forth with all of your might!
we wait, and we shuffle our feet and twiddle our thumbs
and then the moment is past! it's too late.
no one expects you to be completely sure.
but if the mood strikes, pounce!
don't let it pass you by.
we live our lives in missed opportunities.
in delays and waiting for the "right" time.
but the right time is usually now
and will expire almost immediately.
and your only reward will be regret.
this is to myself as much as anyone else.
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| Sunday, May 3rd, 2009
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7:39 pm - ahaha
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| Friday, March 13th, 2009
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6:01 pm - mrusic
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so i'm sure this is nothing new, but it's goddamn motherfucking holycocktastical good!
half asleep
segundoly, if you would like me to send you a REAL LIVE letter, send me your address at blurredline @ gmail. it will be exciting to learn what it's like to lick a stamp again.
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| Sunday, March 1st, 2009
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11:55 pm - also!
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to all the portland people, there is a party next week and you should come! get back to me if you want to go and i'll provide the details.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, February 28th, 2009
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1:10 pm - my body was talking, but i was silent
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| Sunday, February 22nd, 2009
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8:34 pm - maraschino cherries : a metaphor
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"The familiar 'maraschino' cherry originated several centuries ago in northeastern Italy and the neighboring Balkans, where the local marasca cherry was preserved in its own liqueur for winter eating. in the modern industrial version, light-fleshed varieties are bleached with sulfur dioxide and stored in brine until needed, then infused with sugar syrup, dyed cherry red, flavored with almond extract, and pasteurized. after all that, what's left of the original cherry is mainly its skeleton, the cell walls and skin."
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| Thursday, February 12th, 2009
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12:01 am
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as little as i believe in the beautiful ghost
i leave the door open for it.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
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8:43 am
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| Friday, February 6th, 2009
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8:39 am
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there's a part of me that sees people hardening into a set of ways/beliefs/activities/etc. and feels sad that they've resigned themselves to be people who are so much defined by one particular schema. but then sometimes i wonder- maybe that's just an example of someone finding "their passion" or whatever. maybe it's just that they've found something that they really get something out of. and certainly they usually have other small interests. they just tend to have one that overrides all others. so i don't really know what to think about that. i still can't help but feel that they've sacrificed other parts of themselves to always be this one thing. i guess that's kind of like marriage too. you forgo other possibilities for the one. and those other possibilities just atrophy inside yourself, until one day, an old flame is back in town, and he reignites a passion inside of you that you forgot you had, and thusly a plot for a shitty romance novel is born.
but seriously, i wonder to myself if i could ever attach to something like that. right now, it's obvious that i'm too scattered. my interests too diverse and competing. but as terrible as that is in some respects, i also really like that about myself. it's why it's hard for me to get bored. why i enjoy so many things. how i can relate to other people's strange and varied interests. would i still be that way if one interest/desire within myself dominated? i guess the one thing would just become larger, while the other things would shrink proportionately, not necessarily disappear altogether. and i guess if it was important enough, that would be fine with me, because the one thing would matter more to me. so i guess this is what happens, or would for me anyway. i do really think that sometimes people let these other things die because they become too attached to the one thing. i guess that's always the danger though, becoming too attached.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, February 2nd, 2009
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10:48 pm
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there is this thing that i don't know what to call.
there's a sense in which it's emotion.
and there's a sense in which it's creativity.
and there's a sense in which it's spiritual.
i feel it almost every day.
and i can be talking with people i'm close to
and it starts to come out
and i'll start crying uncontrollably
without being sad.
and that's this thing,
raw.
but the harnessing of it,
something i feel i've been good at in the past,
seems to have become more difficult.
and i wonder-
is it a lack of direction?
sometimes all it takes is a song.
sometimes a story.
sometimes a memory of a word that was spoken.
i could take it as the end
of me bleeding onto paper
but i don't think that will ever end.
i could also see it
as a product of my immersion in life.
leaving behind the necessity
of internally processing everything.
i could also paint a million rainbows
and call them my self.
but why don't i be honest?
and say how i am still as much of a conflict
between seemingly opposed choices.
and still happy.
still defying what you might want to believe.
still complicating your ability to make easy distinctions.
so i fail the Revolution
and create my own.
knowing that there are so many,
if not all,
who more readily hear my words.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 20th, 2009
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11:52 pm - i didn't mean to make you sad when i was so happy
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12:42 pm
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there's always a mystery in the beginning
it always begins vague, amorphous.
and the shape it begins to take
is a reflection on our eyes
the extent to which it's beautiful,
how great our desire.
and this moves us to intimations of ecstasy.
so
how slowly do we move forward?
knowing that our hunger for revelation
will increase with each new discovery.
until we reach a peak
from which we believe we can see everything.
and thus no longer care to see anything.
those who ascend the mountaintop
become hungry for ever higher mountains to climb.
and so once one has climbed the highest mountain
where then can one go?
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, January 5th, 2009
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1:37 am
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i just got out of bed because i couldn't go to sleep. i couldn't go to sleep because i was doing this thing that i do every great once in a while, where i just think about people from my past that are no longer in my life for whatever reason. even when i wasn't necessarily really close with a person, i still feel a tinge of regret that not having expressed my appreciation of them when they were around. we just sort of stumble to and fro, without ever knowing when our life is about to really change. more often than not, we don't realize when we're with someone that it's the last time that we'll ever see them.
so, for all of the people who are currently in my life, i want to express my appreciation of you. thank you for being my friend and for being awesome. i am glad you are in my life.
for those of you are were in my life at one point or another, and aren't now for whatever reason, thank you for having been important to me. i'm really glad we got to have the experiences we had, and hopefully we can have them again someday.
thank you all so much.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, December 21st, 2008
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4:23 am - the silent beauty of the cosmos
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i don't want to give anything away, but
tonight, after, what, 6? inches of snow engulfed a place that rarely sees more than one.
i went outside at 4am.
the lights of the city reflected off the clouds to produce a nighttime glow.
the city was a ghost town, complete with sonorous gusts of wind.
strangers connected for a brief snowball fight.
and i stayed outside alone. laughing. continuously laughing at the wonder of it all.
this life never ceases to amaze me.
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| Saturday, November 8th, 2008
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2:40 am
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in the beginning, there was the metaphor. we probably didn't realize at such an early stage that we were building a memory machine. imagination could not yet comprehend persistence. time beyond now. and anyway, the idea was communication. co. community. communicate-ing. a shared understanding. people were probably so overjoyed with the idea/possibility that any reservations about precise translation were overridden by the joy they felt at being able to co mmunicate. and history and history and language and language and culture and SCIENCE. we became so habituated to the tool in our use of description. we relied on it to explain what we wanted to believe...we used it to explain what we wanted to convince others of. it has long since been a political tool. so long, that we no longer even realize how we are using it. that it's merely a symbol. we've become so addicted to it that we no longer understand how to think outside of it. and everything is relayed through it.
anyway. though we don't know how to think outside of it anymore, we've recently begun to play with different combinations of it, devised specifically to enact particular mini-life models that can help us to solve problems. we call these "programming languages" and they are a new kind of language. they are our first attempts to play with what we call language in order to create microcosmic models in order to (ultimately) help us understand things that we couldn't, precisely as a result of the fact that we don't understand how to think outside of language.
not that it matters so much. what i'm most interested in, is the fact that we've spent so much time since the beginning of written language/symbols trying to place less and less of the burden on ourselves. almost as soon as storytelling began to become a real art, we learned to transcribe it. what we call technology has been advancing at an ever-increasing speed. and so with the increase in information we experience, we've been discovering new ways to process (i.e. deal with) it. we've just been doing everything we can to keep (hold of) it, but with the least burden on ourselves. microchips were the epitome of this for a while. now there's nanotechnology. a brainy bonobo has a lot of difficulty dealing with 2008!
but yeah, long story shortened to the last 100 years- as we continue to allow ourselves to become aware of the fact of so much more going on than we, perhaps, wanted to be aware of when we were safe in our bubble (Universevague-earthvague-countrysortavague-statesortavague-citylittlevague-neighborhoodnotsovague-familynotvague-mealliknow), we realize we have trouble processing it all and so the need to develop/have developed technology to compensate for this. the encyclopedia was the old standard. the open-ended networkatron is the new. (media is an outdated term btw)
i actually meant to say something completely different, or maybe just completely differently. i'll say it again some other time, probably in a "poem" or something. i am drunk right now. and going to bed. sorry for whatever spelling/grammatical errors.
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diffuse's journal
