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Friday, May 2nd, 2008
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10:37 am
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ouches!
so i had 2 wisdom teeth removed last friday and i think that if the wounds where the teeth used to be were mogwais, then i definitely fed them after midnight and exposed them to water, because they've turned into gremlins and the shit hurts, and a lot, and every single time i put something in my mouth (cue dirty thoughts). so i'm going in for a follow-up today and hoping that they miraculously heal me on the spot because i have a lot of food that i bought earlier this week that i haven't been able to eat and that is soon to go bad, which is made worse by the fact that i'm leaving for location undisclosed on tuesday and won't be back from location undisclosed until the following monday. so even if they do miraculously heal me, i'm going to have to eat a lot of food between now and tuesday (or take some on the plane, so long as they are allowing things like bananas now, having realized that banana peels are not actually as dangerous as buster keaton or old chuck chaplin would have us believe). it also really sucks because they gave me all these painkillers and i'm actually having to use them for their intended purpose and what fun is that?!?!
but despite all that, life is fanfuckingtastic right now. the weather is getting warmer. i have been growing things in my yard. i am very excited for many bike rides, drunken and sober, car trips to the coast, st. helens, or wherever else, shenanigansshenanigansshenanigans (all applicants for senseless acts of absurdism, poetic (or botanical) terrorism, etcetc. sign up now!), and general tomfoolery.
that's right. you heard me. i tomfool.
what else. i have a particularly awesome best friend who i suspect gives me some kind of conscious version of roofies on fridays when we hang out, because i find it difficult not to continue to hang out with her from then until sunday afternoon/evening.
i love my job, despite the fact that it makes me pay ridiculous amounts of money these days to commute 30 minutes to and from it 5 days a week and is pretty much the only thing holding me to owning a car anymore.
and my cat tanuki will be joining me here very soon! if you haven't ever met or even seen a picture of tanuki, please ask me and i will oblige because she is such a ridiculously awesome cat and deserves all the fame and fortune that a cat can have.
and guess what else! i really don't have anything to say right now. i only even wrote the above because i feel really good right now and wanted to express is somehow. if i wasn't at work right now, i would probably be dancing in the street, climbing a tree, or at the very least singing very loudly at home.
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| Tuesday, February 19th, 2008
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9:13 pm
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remember that freeze video? if not, go here, read the first paragraph, and then watch the video below it.
anyway, this is going to be happening in portland. if you're interested in being a part of it, ( here is the info )
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(12 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 14th, 2008
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9:35 am
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i think i'm going to start writing short stories. i might even start out with short stories and then meld them all into a novel. that's the only way i could do it. bits and pieces. then chunks. then it will just be about making the connections. i need structure, otherwise i'll never be able to do it. it will be difficult and it will take a long time, but i think i want to do this. i have a lot to say and there are some things i need to get out, because there are some things i don't think i can convey to others in (spoken) words, but that i need to convey somehow. i think this might be the way to do that.
there is a memory that keeps coming back to me. it's late at night, maybe midnight. i'm walking along a desolate country road. the moon is out and it's my only comfort on this night. there are a lot of things i don't understand, and i'm asking questions but getting no answers. there is no one there. i have to face this alone. it's cold out, and i keep walking though i don't know why. maybe something will happen. maybe something will be revealed.
this night comes back to me years later out of nowhere. i've received a phone call from an ex-girlfriend. she is heartbroken when i tell her that i'm moving in with someone else. she begins to cry and i don't know what to say; i didn't expect this. she felt that we would end up together eventually. she kept hoping. when we finally hang up, i walk outside. unexpectedly, i burst into tears. i'm so overwhelmed that i can hardly stand anymore and i fall to the patio, crying very intensely. this is when the memory comes back to me. it reminds me.
it reminds me that i am always fundamentally alone. that no matter how much i am sharing myself with others, i will always have to face the fact that there is a part of me that no one but me can reach. it's always been this way, and maybe always will. the night of the phone call, i was soon to move in with a girl i loved very much. but after the call, i realized that even this, this thing that i was so excited for and happy about. even this wouldn't change the fact that i will always fundamentally be alone. no one can touch that. it's a comfort and a curse.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 7th, 2008
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2:04 pm
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a thought, based on a book i was looking at (my job entails looking at books all day long), about faith-based organizations: i wonder if people would consider missionary work and humanitarian aid from faith-based organizations so benevelont if it was being given by the wahabi sect of islam?
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, January 31st, 2008
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12:58 pm
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amanda, i know you used to read this every now and then. i haven't heard from you for 8 months or so now. the last time i tried to contact you, i called 2 of the numbers i had for you. the land line was disconnected and the cell was answered by some guy who definitely wasn't anyone you would associate with. i didn't want to call your mom so as to avoid awkwardness. so i waited, assuming that, as usual, you would send me a text message at some point in the future. you never did and i've been worried about you a lot for the last few months. the last thing i remember is you saying that you were shooting heroin again and that you thought i was the only one who could help. this, especially, scares me when i think about what might have happened to you. i really want you to be okay.
i think about that time on the beach, the echo of the waves crashing like giant bowling balls against pins. i remember the observatory and the view from the hill. i remember doing coke in the bathroom of that coffee place with comic book covers on the wall, some of which i recognized from my youth. i remember you telling me about james for the first time. i didn't understand why you expressed such concern at the time, because i didn't realize he was/would be so significant to you. i remember chinatown. the sketchy place where we got soup with an entire hardboiled egg in it. i remember the dead seagull. the homeless guy who asked us twice for change, and me reminding him he'd already asked us. i remember when we were on acid in some parking lot near the beach and i mentioned how crazy it was that that moment, everything i was experiencing, the moon, the sand, the stars, you. all of it would soon be just a memory and i in new york again. i remember how after i said that you began crying and were upset with me that i had. i remember the first time i left you too. it was pre-9/11, so you were with me in the terminal as i was in line to get on the plane. before we made it to the ticket-checker, you burst into tears and ran off.
amanda...you don't even know. i was so confused. i didn't understand anything. i had no real life experience. you gave me something. and i never even fully expressed my appreciation or that. for you. and as i sit here, typing at my computer at a desk at my job, 3000 miles and so many years from where i used to be, i have a hard time thinking about all of this. i haven't seen you for 8 years. the tattered thread that kept us together so precariously over the years may be gone now. i don't know where you are. i don't even know if you're alive. i just know that some part of you counted on me. we kept delaying it, and you kept holding on. did you finally let go?
i keep thinking of nag champa. palm trees everywhere. the smell of ketamine. your face in the shower. the face of a cherub. and that unbelievable feeling. the feeling of being somewhere totally alien. it truly felt magical.
i really just want to share these memories with you. spend hours talking about them. that's what i really want.
today, on a break at work, i finally called the number i had for your mom's house. your mom's house. where we spent hours laughing so hard i could feel my stomach muscles getting sore.
i called and it kept ringing. finally, an answering machine picked up. a male of indeterminate age said to leave a message. i hung up, hoping it was your brother and the number was still yours. hoping you're still alive and living at home. hoping you have caller ID and will see the 317 area code and know. i'm not very confident of this though.
amanda, please. if you read this, please call me or email me or something. my email address is blurredline @ gmail.com and my phone number is 317 225 8296. please let me know you're okay.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, January 14th, 2008
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4:25 pm
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at work today, i spent a lot of time not working. i spent a good portion of the time staring at the computer screen. but i didn't see the computer screen in front of me. i was thinking. i spent much of the day just thinking. sometimes i stare, while inside my head i'm remembering the dream i had the night before. remembering how strange and amazing it felt. how i want to go back to it. how i want to understand it better.
just before i was staring at the scan of a book. it talked about how it was written by "experts in philosophy." initially, i inwardly laughed at this. but after the laugh, i spent a long time thinking about "the expert." to the point where i thought that maybe i should write a novel about "the expert." no, a short story. no wait, this would be bad for the world. i don't want to fragment it any further. we've already lost so much faith in everything, why make it even worse than it already is?
then i got a better idea for a short story, one not so harmful. it would be called Things and it would be about words and their power. i haven't yet given up on the idea, though i don't know why it would happen.
though if i had $5000 right now, rather than pay off all of my debt, i would probably buy a synthesizer, a guitar, and an 8-track. because there is no One Thing driving me forward, i think the only thing that could cause me to make any kind of leap would be a very significant sense of security.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
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12:40 pm
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things like going out to bars and drinking are getting boring. here are some things i want to start doing more often:
playing hide and go seek
exploring forests at night
climbing (more) trees
exploring abandoned places
walking by railroad tracks
going outside of portland to places i haven't been/don't know
on the few starry nights of the season, going somewhere to stare up at the stars
being by the ocean at night again (even better if at sunset)
(when i have money) staying the night in a random town in the middle of nowhere
meeting new people!
and i still have to check out mt. hood & mt. st. helens
hold me to this!
current music: papa was a rodeo
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(17 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 27th, 2007
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4:59 pm
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yesterday, i woke up on my kitchen floor. there was a buzzing in my head, a ronettes song playing, and thoughts i was vaguely aware of in the back of my mind, but i had no idea what day it was, what time of day it was, or especially why i had been on the kitchen floor.
for a brief second i panicked. there are drugs i've done that, when you blink, you blink an eternity, and suddenly you open your eyes and you're aware of a reality you hadn't been before and it takes you a second to remember the fact that, all of this time, you've merely been laying in bed staring at the red, green, and blue christmas lights in your room fading in and out on a deep, deep ketamine trip. it's just that you got so caught up with whatever was going on inside your head, that you completely forgot that that wasn't your whole reality. that, in fact, it was just a small mind-window you stepped through for a brief moment while ketamine was doing interesting things to your brain chemistry. though i couldn't quite place it then, this was almost exactly how i felt when i woke up on my kitchen floor yesterday (the buzzing in my head contributed to the feeling).
i knew i hadn't gotten drunk and passed out. but i also knew i hadn't gone to sleep, so for a brief second i thought maybe i had had some kind of drug flashback thing that put me in a weird, unconscious state. i got up and the buzzing faded as well as the ronettes song and i saw things before me and remembered. i saw a knife and some food that remained half-prepared. that's when i remembered i had cut myself. cut myself deep enough to see things that weren't merely red. i had cut the top part of my finger while trying to cut in half a hardened bouillon cube. i underestimated the hardness of the bouillon as well as the sharpness of the knife and was trying to cut against my finger. smart, i know.
the cut was so long and deep that when i touched it, the part of the finger above the cut moved in a different direction than the part of the finger below it. it was pretty freakish looking but, being the ascetic i can be, i was seriously debating whether i needed to see someone about it or do anything, or whether i could manage without getting anyone else (particularly the medical profession) involved. this was before passing out though.
as soon as i cut myself, my finger immediately went numb, so i didn't realize how bad it was until i did the aforementioned touching. the first thing i did was get a bandaid. some part of me must've understood that i was already losing strength because, after fumbling with the bandaids and finally pulling out one that was somewhat small, i decided i couldn't risk the time to get a better-sized one, threw the bandaid box back in the cabinet, and hurried back to the kitchen to try and think about what i should do next. it was then that i started to feel light-headed, dizzy, and warm all of a sudden. i don't think i fell. i don't really remember the trip from upright to floorside, but i feel like i laid down, or at least sat down and fell the rest of the way.
when i woke up, i had the aforementioned confusion and then realization. I also felt out-of-breath and was shivering pretty badly so i decided i should call someone. my #1 friend lately has been my friend rachel, so i called her and she very kindly came over and drove me to urgent care where i got stitches and a prescription for painkillers. i ended up finally getting to finish making my dinner and eat between midnight and 12:30 and then went to bed in a vicodin-induced haze.
current music: asobi seksu
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, December 21st, 2007
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12:50 pm - to my portland people
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please be on the lookout for any used furniture on the side of the road. sulay and i need furniture for our new place and neither of us have much in the way of cashmonies and probably won't for a while. in the meantime, it would be great if we had a place to sit and eat our food, or sit and watch movies, or something to set drinks and things down on. or even a place to put my alarm clock so i'm not fumbling for it on the floor in the morning. extra space for books would be great too. i'm pretty much doubting anyone will actually see anything of interest and i don't even know how we'd get it home if someone did (and chances are such things would be wet too), but whatever, it's worth a shot.
current music: the radio dept. - i don't need love i've got my band
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 7th, 2007
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12:27 am
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in reading about epilepsy, i found out that there is a name for this weird vision thing i get sometimes. it's called scintillating scotoma and it often precedes either an epileptic seizure or a migraine, though i don't experience either, just the strange vision issues. sometimes it's not very bad. it'll be in my peripherals and won't last very long, but there have been times when it made it such that i couldn't read or focus on anything and needed to get away from whatever situation i was in (usually at work. i would have to take a break or go to the restroom).
anyway, it's really odd to me to realize that i get such a thing. i mean, it was odd to me before when it would happen, but it's even odder now that i know that it's an actual thing.
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(12 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
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10:59 pm
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the fate (and curse) of the past moment
is to either gain significance as it ages
well beyond what it was worth at the time
or to fade into oblivion.
few memories remain static in their worth.
some might say:
if only we could appreciate the moments as they were occurring.
but i would here invoke heisenberg.
awareness of the significance of a moment
alters that moment.
maybe the only reason i would not prefer a mild form of amnesia
is because i would lack the realization that things could be as amazing,
beautiful,
wonderful,
incredible,
jaw-droppingly, holyfucktastic as they have been before.
but then,
like a child, unaware
i would go through the same cycle
again.
feeling the same things
again.
only to come to the same conclusion
again.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, August 11th, 2007
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6:14 pm
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i love writing. especially when, without intending it, it ends up being self-therapeutic. what more could someone ask for?
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
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12:19 am
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"i always thought i was different from po-wing.
turns out lonely people are all the same."
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, August 6th, 2007
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9:02 pm - art: the unique erasure of the specifics
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we don't know how to tell it
so we try our best
and end up creating "the movie feel"
or "the song feel"
and then wish it was that creation,
and then remember it as that creation,
thus completing the transformation.
this is why i love you all so much.
once it becomes real again,
then we'll see.
i'll be waiting for you.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 1st, 2007
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11:46 pm - it's ridiculous but
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| Thursday, June 28th, 2007
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5:44 pm - hey people
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yahoo has been being a big dick to me lately, so i'm using my gmail address as my primary email address now. same thing except @gmail.com. got it? good.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
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1:04 am - amusing ourselves to death
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there's something to be said for not taking ourselves too seriously.
but there's also something to be said for not trivializing everything until it no longer has any significant meaning.
laughing at de-means.
we're all always ready to turn anything and everything into a spectacle for our own amusement.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, May 7th, 2007
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8:38 pm
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"this was the beginning of one weird spring. i spent my whole break waiting for letters. i couldn't take a trip, i couldn't go home to see my parents, i couldn't even take a part-time job because there was no telling when a letter might arrive from Naoko saying she wanted me to come see her on such-and-such a date."
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, April 9th, 2007
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3:26 am
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when you soar up into the clouds
don't you lose touch with those still on the ground?
aren't you really just singing to your fellow angels?
i would wear your boots, dear nike
but i fear they would carry me too far away.
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
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12:02 am - "wait..."
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that's all it was
it was the waiting
suddenly my life was full
the moon,
horses,
the sunset,
clouds,
sunlight filtering through the trees,
a poetic framing,
any stupid angle,
any slight change.
i didn't see anything before me
only the future to come.
only what had to be.
everything was light.
everything touched the sky.
those were the moments without you.
you were in the sky,
the birds,
the trees.
you were always there
wherever i went.
the pictures prove it.
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(comment on this)
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