your own personal rorschach

oh george

2009-11-08T01:05:58Z

"those who talk most about the blessings of marriage and the constancy of its vows are the very people who declare that if the chain were broken and the prisoners left free to choose, the whole social fabric would fly asunder. you cannot have the argument both ways. if the prisoner is happy, why lock him in? if he is not, why pretend that he is?" -george bernard shaw

diffuse @ 2009-10-28T22:56:00

2009-10-29T06:02:58Z

and in case you couldn't see the pumpkin brainz in the last one:

also, if you didn't notice, the guy being eaten is starting to cry.

diffuse @ 2009-10-25T18:20:00

2009-10-26T01:41:03Z

last night was full of a lot of strange shit and this post is just to document some stuff so i don't forget it (this is mostly in reference to a party i went to).

i think i may have uncharacteristically revealed my internet identity to some people.

i re-met a girl who i'm very attracted to but who is almost certainly not interested in me. very weird that she was there considering the circumstances under which we first met.

saw nate there. that was weird. he was acting ridiculous (in a good way) and dressed in, i think, a leotard?

enjoyed meeting and talking to a random Person From The Internet who i might not have suspected to get along with as swimmingly.

lost my cane and mustache i guess, unless they turn up. easily re-procurable, but the mustache had sentimental value. we'd been through a lot together.

was totally prepared to speak victorian english, but when it was my moment to shine, i was so drunk that i couldn't think of words like 'preposterous' and 'balderdash'.

went to bed sometime between 6;30 and 7am.

that may be the bulk of what i remember.

<3 maurice sendak

2009-10-23T15:47:19Z

Reporter: "What do you say to parents who think the Wild Things film may be too scary?"

Sendak: "I would tell them to go to hell. That's a question I will not tolerate."

Reporter: "Because kids can handle it?"

Sendak: "If they can't handle it, go home. Or wet your pants. Do whatever you like. But it's not a question that can be answered."

Sendak: "This concentration on kids being scared, as though we as adults can't be scared. Of course we're scared. I'm scared of watching a TV show about vampires. I can't fall asleep. It never stops. We're grown-ups; we know better, but we're afraid."

Reporter: "Why is that important in art?"

Sendak: "Because it's truth. You don't want to do something that's all terrifying. I saw the most horrendous movies that were unfit for child's eyes. So what? I managed to survive."

diffuse @ 2009-10-21T19:55:00

2009-10-22T03:03:28Z

"Why should the Arabs make peace? If I was an Arab leader I would never make terms with Israel. That is natural: we have taken their country ... There has been anti-Semitism, the Nazis, Hitler, Auschwitz, but was that their fault? They only see one thing: we have come here and stolen their country. Why should they accept that? They may perhaps forget in one or two generations' time, but for the moment there is no chance. So it is simple: we have to stay strong and maintain a powerful army" -David Ben-Gurion

as not great of a person as ben-gurion was, at least he was upfront in admitting that they were basically stealing the palestinians land. try and get a single israeli politician to acknowledge this nowadays.

ALSO

2009-10-05T04:46:29Z

did you ever really listen to this song? i mean, we all know it. we've all heard it many times. but fucking shit man, it's so stupidly good!

just stop fucking around on the internet for a second and devote the next 3 minutes of your life to listening to this song and realize how good it is, and why it's so revered:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/prwily

i'm too stupid

2009-10-04T08:49:52Z

i was once(/am still) a silly lesbian too.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/w6u4ek

and

http://www.sendspace.com/file/kpj2ph

this new system

2009-06-20T06:57:33Z

is largely about displaying all of the things inside of you that you don't want to display yourself (for various reasons).
is about trying to get people to see parts of you that you (for various reasons) are yourself unwilling or unable to show them.
is an outlet that we never really had before.
is a crutch that we're thankful for.

next-day party pictures

2009-05-18T05:20:08Z

so some of you know that we had a party a little bit ago. it was a success, as these pictures show.

note: this was after i'd already recycled all of the bottles-

someone brought squirt??

and this was all the crap that was sitting outside our door:

challenge me

2009-05-12T05:18:39Z

this game, so timidly played, is beginning to grate.
be honest about your intentions!
go forth with all of your might!
we wait, and we shuffle our feet and twiddle our thumbs
and then the moment is past! it's too late.
no one expects you to be completely sure.
but if the mood strikes, pounce!
don't let it pass you by.
we live our lives in missed opportunities.
in delays and waiting for the "right" time.
but the right time is usually now
and will expire almost immediately.
and your only reward will be regret.

this is to myself as much as anyone else.

ahaha

2009-05-04T02:41:10Z

texts from last night

mrusic

2009-03-14T01:05:12Z

so i'm sure this is nothing new, but it's goddamn motherfucking holycocktastical good!

half asleep

segundoly, if you would like me to send you a REAL LIVE letter, send me your address at blurredline @ gmail. it will be exciting to learn what it's like to lick a stamp again.

also!

2009-03-02T08:37:02Z

to all the portland people, there is a party next week and you should come! get back to me if you want to go and i'll provide the details.

my body was talking, but i was silent

2009-02-28T21:30:40Z

here are your musics for the day:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/sypape

http://www.sendspace.com/file/2dxace

maraschino cherries : a metaphor

2009-02-23T04:37:39Z

"The familiar 'maraschino' cherry originated several centuries ago in northeastern Italy and the neighboring Balkans, where the local marasca cherry was preserved in its own liqueur for winter eating. in the modern industrial version, light-fleshed varieties are bleached with sulfur dioxide and stored in brine until needed, then infused with sugar syrup, dyed cherry red, flavored with almond extract, and pasteurized. after all that, what's left of the original cherry is mainly its skeleton, the cell walls and skin."

diffuse @ 2009-02-12T00:01:00

2009-02-12T08:05:16Z

as little as i believe in the beautiful ghost
i leave the door open for it.

diffuse @ 2009-02-11T08:43:00

2009-02-11T16:43:21Z

i just want to document this:

diffuse @ 2009-02-06T08:39:00

2009-02-06T16:58:53Z

there's a part of me that sees people hardening into a set of ways/beliefs/activities/etc. and feels sad that they've resigned themselves to be people who are so much defined by one particular schema. but then sometimes i wonder- maybe that's just an example of someone finding "their passion" or whatever. maybe it's just that they've found something that they really get something out of. and certainly they usually have other small interests. they just tend to have one that overrides all others. so i don't really know what to think about that. i still can't help but feel that they've sacrificed other parts of themselves to always be this one thing. i guess that's kind of like marriage too. you forgo other possibilities for the one. and those other possibilities just atrophy inside yourself, until one day, an old flame is back in town, and he reignites a passion inside of you that you forgot you had, and thusly a plot for a shitty romance novel is born.

but seriously, i wonder to myself if i could ever attach to something like that. right now, it's obvious that i'm too scattered. my interests too diverse and competing. but as terrible as that is in some respects, i also really like that about myself. it's why it's hard for me to get bored. why i enjoy so many things. how i can relate to other people's strange and varied interests. would i still be that way if one interest/desire within myself dominated? i guess the one thing would just become larger, while the other things would shrink proportionately, not necessarily disappear altogether. and i guess if it was important enough, that would be fine with me, because the one thing would matter more to me. so i guess this is what happens, or would for me anyway. i do really think that sometimes people let these other things die because they become too attached to the one thing. i guess that's always the danger though, becoming too attached.

diffuse @ 2009-02-03T11:16:00

2009-02-03T19:16:50Z

i'm really super-sensitive right now. i know that tends to happen when you open your heart wide, but it's still surprising. feeling so strong so much of the time tends to leave me unprepared for feeling like any slight misunderstanding might bring me to tears. i was feeling this last night. and knew i had to get something out, but didn't know how. the wondering how turned into what i wrote. which is fine, but slightly indirect and ultimately not fulfilling. i almost said not totally fulfilling until i realized that that would be redundant.

i almost left work early yesterday. an insignificant question posed to me unsettled me for the rest of the day. today i don't want to be here either. normally, i really like my job. this all might sound exaggerated, but that's a risk with written words. i'm always okay.

and last night, several times, i realized this or that and was normal again. because ultimately, it's not about the particular things i focus on. it's about something that's always there, but sometimes more hidden. and i know it amounts to a particular perspective. as well as a lot of context. life's whims that we so curse and worship.

i don't even know if i'm still feeling the same way i was when i started this. i think a happiness might be coming on. or at least a happierness. i don't know who i am and i don't know what i want, but i know what i like. honestly? it's as simple as they always say it is. i just want to know that it's real, and to continue to feel it. it pushes my heart up so high and i know it does theirs too.

i don't know if i have anything else to say.

diffuse @ 2009-02-02T22:48:00

2009-02-03T07:26:28Z

there is this thing that i don't know what to call.
there's a sense in which it's emotion.
and there's a sense in which it's creativity.
and there's a sense in which it's spiritual.

i feel it almost every day.
and i can be talking with people i'm close to
and it starts to come out
and i'll start crying uncontrollably
without being sad.

and that's this thing,
raw.

but the harnessing of it,
something i feel i've been good at in the past,
seems to have become more difficult.

and i wonder-
is it a lack of direction?

sometimes all it takes is a song.
sometimes a story.
sometimes a memory of a word that was spoken.

i could take it as the end
of me bleeding onto paper
but i don't think that will ever end.

i could also see it
as a product of my immersion in life.
leaving behind the necessity
of internally processing everything.

i could also paint a million rainbows
and call them my self.

but why don't i be honest?
and say how i am still as much of a conflict
between seemingly opposed choices.

and still happy.
still defying what you might want to believe.
still complicating your ability to make easy distinctions.

so i fail the Revolution
and create my own.
knowing that there are so many,
if not all,
who more readily hear my words.

i didn't mean to make you sad when i was so happy

2009-01-21T08:03:39Z

so here are some musics:

i think it's alright to feel inhuman now

she spits me out in her surly blood rivers

my previous post was not at all what i had wanted to say. it was only related to what i wanted to say and somehow it came out instead. i tried to later write what i had actually intended to say, but it didn't want to come out. these thoughts are always there though. i just don't usually think to write them.

diffuse @ 2009-01-20T12:42:00

2009-01-20T20:47:15Z

there's always a mystery in the beginning
it always begins vague, amorphous.
and the shape it begins to take
is a reflection on our eyes
the extent to which it's beautiful,
how great our desire.
and this moves us to intimations of ecstasy.

so
how slowly do we move forward?
knowing that our hunger for revelation
will increase with each new discovery.
until we reach a peak
from which we believe we can see everything.
and thus no longer care to see anything.

those who ascend the mountaintop
become hungry for ever higher mountains to climb.
and so once one has climbed the highest mountain
where then can one go?

i have trouble not deleting everything i write within 5 minutes of writing it

2009-01-12T06:04:15Z

i look at all of you
only as an expression,
but looking.

so many turn away.
because they're staying inside.
looking for confirmation
that will allow them to remain fixed where they are.

we both expect a miracle.
because that's what it would take.

i don't reveal anything.
so you will never know
unless you choose to be open.
unless you can embrace it.

still,
i'm only ever an expression.

diffuse @ 2009-01-05T01:37:00

2009-01-05T09:49:26Z

i just got out of bed because i couldn't go to sleep. i couldn't go to sleep because i was doing this thing that i do every great once in a while, where i just think about people from my past that are no longer in my life for whatever reason. even when i wasn't necessarily really close with a person, i still feel a tinge of regret that not having expressed my appreciation of them when they were around. we just sort of stumble to and fro, without ever knowing when our life is about to really change. more often than not, we don't realize when we're with someone that it's the last time that we'll ever see them.

so, for all of the people who are currently in my life, i want to express my appreciation of you. thank you for being my friend and for being awesome. i am glad you are in my life.

for those of you are were in my life at one point or another, and aren't now for whatever reason, thank you for having been important to me. i'm really glad we got to have the experiences we had, and hopefully we can have them again someday.

thank you all so much.

the silent beauty of the cosmos

2008-12-21T12:32:11Z

i don't want to give anything away, but

tonight, after, what, 6? inches of snow engulfed a place that rarely sees more than one.

i went outside at 4am.

the lights of the city reflected off the clouds to produce a nighttime glow.

the city was a ghost town, complete with sonorous gusts of wind.

strangers connected for a brief snowball fight.

and i stayed outside alone. laughing. continuously laughing at the wonder of it all.

this life never ceases to amaze me.