i feel like i should give some perspective though. let's go back to the early 2000s. i was living in NY, and i can't say i know what i wanted then, but i can say that i was fairly content. i was:
becoming friends with the people i worked with, (reading about and) ordering lots of drugs off of the internet, driving home late at night in my own solitary, music-fueled world, thinking i was incredibly unique and awesome and not suited for most people, keeping a distance even as i made compromises in my bubble-world.
so i guess that's to say that i've "been there". i've spent the time (if that means anything to you). back then, i felt pretty self-sufficient. what's different now?
i'm a pretty happy person. i like where i am. i like who i am. i feel like things are mostly right. so an irony, i guess, that i'm less content. i crave new experiences, new people, more extreme feelings. SOMETHING. moving out here gave me a grounding. but it's like a moving platform, and i know there's no real ground beneath it, and i have to jump off at some point if i want to go anywhere.
all i know is- i'm reaching. i'm letting desperation show. I DONT WANT STUPID HUMAN PHYSICAL STUPID WHATEVER. yes, i want touching and holding and even sex, but LOOK. i want to feel the communion. it's not OHMYGODWERESOULMATES. it's- hey, we are in the same place. let's share this while we can. it feels so good, and it's rare.
everyone is afraid. i know that. and i don't have any answers. this is why i am where i am. this is why writing these things will do nothing!
there is a 99.9% chance i will delete this in the morning. congrats if you got to see it!