last night was full of a lot of strange shit and this post is just to document some stuff so i don't forget it (this is mostly in reference to a party i went to).
i think i may have uncharacteristically revealed my internet identity to some people.
i re-met a girl who i'm very attracted to but who is almost certainly not interested in me. very weird that she was there considering the circumstances under which we first met.
saw nate there. that was weird. he was acting ridiculous (in a good way) and dressed in, i think, a leotard?
enjoyed meeting and talking to a random Person From The Internet who i might not have suspected to get along with as swimmingly.
lost my cane and mustache i guess, unless they turn up. easily re-procurable, but the mustache had sentimental value. we'd been through a lot together.
was totally prepared to speak victorian english, but when it was my moment to shine, i was so drunk that i couldn't think of words like 'preposterous' and 'balderdash'.
went to bed sometime between 6;30 and 7am.
that may be the bulk of what i remember.
Reporter: "What do you say to parents who think the Wild Things film may be too scary?"
Sendak: "I would tell them to go to hell. That's a question I will not tolerate."
Reporter: "Because kids can handle it?"
Sendak: "If they can't handle it, go home. Or wet your pants. Do whatever you like. But it's not a question that can be answered."
Sendak: "This concentration on kids being scared, as though we as adults can't be scared. Of course we're scared. I'm scared of watching a TV show about vampires. I can't fall asleep. It never stops. We're grown-ups; we know better, but we're afraid."
Reporter: "Why is that important in art?"
Sendak: "Because it's truth. You don't want to do something that's all terrifying. I saw the most horrendous movies that were unfit for child's eyes. So what? I managed to survive."
"Why should the Arabs make peace? If I was an Arab leader I would never make terms with Israel. That is natural: we have taken their country ... There has been anti-Semitism, the Nazis, Hitler, Auschwitz, but was that their fault? They only see one thing: we have come here and stolen their country. Why should they accept that? They may perhaps forget in one or two generations' time, but for the moment there is no chance. So it is simple: we have to stay strong and maintain a powerful army" -David Ben-Gurion
as not great of a person as ben-gurion was, at least he was upfront in admitting that they were basically stealing the palestinians land. try and get a single israeli politician to acknowledge this nowadays.
i really want you to know how i really feel.
i don't know how to do that.
i don't really know what to say. i don't know why i'm so despondent at the moment. i don't know what i want.
i feel like i should give some perspective though. let's go back to the early 2000s. i was living in NY, and i can't say i know what i wanted then, but i can say that i was fairly content. i was:
becoming friends with the people i worked with, (reading about and) ordering lots of drugs off of the internet, driving home late at night in my own solitary, music-fueled world, thinking i was incredibly unique and awesome and not suited for most people, keeping a distance even as i made compromises in my bubble-world.
so i guess that's to say that i've "been there". i've spent the time (if that means anything to you). back then, i felt pretty self-sufficient. what's different now?
i'm a pretty happy person. i like where i am. i like who i am. i feel like things are mostly right. so an irony, i guess, that i'm less content. i crave new experiences, new people, more extreme feelings. SOMETHING. moving out here gave me a grounding. but it's like a moving platform, and i know there's no real ground beneath it, and i have to jump off at some point if i want to go anywhere.
all i know is- i'm reaching. i'm letting desperation show. I DONT WANT STUPID HUMAN PHYSICAL STUPID WHATEVER. yes, i want touching and holding and even sex, but LOOK. i want to feel the communion. it's not OHMYGODWERESOULMATES. it's- hey, we are in the same place. let's share this while we can. it feels so good, and it's rare.
everyone is afraid. i know that. and i don't have any answers. this is why i am where i am. this is why writing these things will do nothing!
there is a 99.9% chance i will delete this in the morning. congrats if you got to see it!
so i was volunteering for a thing today that i had to wake up at 8:30 for, and i was invited to a party/show last night, so the plan was to leave earlyish. and i did that thing (that i knew was totally possible) where i intended to keep checking the clock throughout the night, but 100% forgot. so at about 1-something, when i finally did, i remembered and decided to go. i don't remember what happened between then and me checking the clock at my apt. at 3:30am, but there's a lot of lost time i can't account for. and when i got up this morning, after a night of heavy drinking and only having slept for 4 hours, i was mildly grogging and THAT'S IT. i felt totally fine. this is why you should eat like i do. also because i'm a nazi and the way you eat is WRONG.
and then the morning before, i woke up with no pants, but a shirt on. it was a pretty fun weekend.
and man, i just got back from riding the streets like they were your mom. only without the propeller hat.
anyway, i don't even remember what the real reason for this post was, but i'm sorry to have left you with more boring details about my real life. i'll try to be a better livergurnaler in the future.
is largely about displaying all of the things inside of you that you don't want to display yourself (for various reasons).
is about trying to get people to see parts of you that you (for various reasons) are yourself unwilling or unable to show them.
is an outlet that we never really had before.
is a crutch that we're thankful for.